Suzy Sunshine, 27 Days a Month

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Since I’ve had my 36th birthday (to say I “celebrated” may be a bit enthusiastic), I am finding that for a few days each month I seem, well, a bit moodier than usual. To be clear, I should say that I have never been one of those women who says, “PMS? Me? Nope. Not here” when in reality for 3 or 4 days every month she is making her co-workers pee their pants with fear if GOD FORBID there is no Splenda at the coffee machine. That is not me. Well, except that one time…

However, I knew something was amiss when I found myself eating margarita salt straight from the container and yelling at the hamsters for not helping out enough around the house. Starting the month after my last birthday, I was definitely getting a bit more peeved than usual on certain days. And I’m not talking “oh that doesn’t seem quite right” kind of irritated. It was more like “I WANT TO EAT YOUR FACE IN A SANDWICH BECAUSE YOU ARE USING MY OXYGEN.”

All of a sudden, people everywhere standing in line behind me were breathing too loudly, forgetting to wear deodorant and just plain existing without my implicit permission. And don’t think I’m not letting them know about it either. Just please don’t say that I am “suffering” from PMS. BECAUSE I AM NOT THE ONE SUFFERING.

That pleasure goes to all of those around me. One teeny little verbal scathing to a perfect stranger at the grocery for breathing too loudly sends my daughter running for the calendar. If she finds a red “X” there, she gathers rations and retreats to her room, where she curls into the fetal position for a few days. There are ways to deal with me, however. It’s simple really – just do what I say, and do it RIGHT NOW. And for your own sake, do it EXACTLY as I tell you to. Helmets and protective lenses are optional, but advised.

Last month some unlucky collection agent picked the wrong day to dial my number. I had paid my cell phone bill 10 minutes late and therefore apparently deserved to be hounded, harassed, and hung. But by the end of our call she had offered to pay the bill on my behalf, and somehow I had ended up with 150 extra free monthly minutes and a tote bag/umbrella was on its way to me via Fed Ex Overnight.

Then there was th…wait. Can you hear that? I think the wind is blowing in a south-south-westerly direction and clearly that is not acceptable. I need to go consult Google to find out who I can speak with to rectify that. And they had better do it RIGHT NOW!

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Filed under Family, Health, Irritation Level: High

Tags: co-workers, Family, Health, irritability, kids, margaritas, Parenting, pets, PMS, Splenda